Stuck in a rut….Decisions Decisions

I haven’t been myself for a few weeks and i haven’t kept up with my blog and my life in general and i have finally figured out why 😦

As i talked about in my bio my eldest daughter was born when i was just 13 years old and due to me being sexually abused and neglected as i child social services thought it best she be adopted against my wishes! I see her physically twice a year and i get a letter from her adoptive parent twice a year. My contact with her was always good although the older i got it got harder and harder to see her and then leave her 😦 My last contact with her was the hardest yet 😦 Her adoptive dad died a few weeks before and even though i told them it was too early for her they went ahead with the contact which was at a play area and my middle daughter came too. We spent an hour in silence 😦 My eldest daughter was distraught and refused to talk. I felt my heart breaking πŸ˜₯ I also had to try an explain to my other daughter why she wouldn’t talk to us 😦

Anyway i got my letter a few weeks ago and i still haven’t replied…. Im facing a decision of weather i should stop contact or not, this is the hardest decision ive ever faced 😦 I really dont know what to do 😦 I dont want her hating me or thinking i dont want her because trust me there is nothing i’d love more than to have her by my side, but mentally i don’t know how much more i can take 😦 I have been an absolute mess from my letter came my head is all over the place. The only person i can really talk to about it is my husband but he doesn’t want to say either way because he feels its not his place 😦 He says it has to be my decision but i just dont know 😦

Its absolutely killing me seeing her twice a year and having to leave her for another 6 months, it kills me seeing my girls grow up and not having her here for all her milestones etc, it kills me knowing she isn’t well at times and i can’t do flip all about it 😦 But the facts are i can’t get her back until she is 18 by which she might not even want me, And im even more worried about what the next contact will be like 😦 Any advice would be great on this please please pleaseΒ  Exx

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4 Responses to Stuck in a rut….Decisions Decisions

  1. yasmine says:

    No matter what your decision is your oldest will want to know you and will understand why things have turned out the way they have. I know as your friend that you would love nothing more than than to have J living with you, your husband and her sisters. You’re a great mummy considering the upbringing you have. And to be honest I admire you as a person I’ve never met such a loving and strong person in my life.

    • EmmaSurviver says:

      Awk yasmine you have me in tears here lol :’) You dont know how much i appreciate that :’) Thats the thing i would kill for her but it also kills me seeing her for 2 hrs a year and then having to leave her πŸ˜₯ I’m going to have my next contact and see if she is still upset or if she will talk to me and then make my decision! Im just scared of making the wrong one 😦 But i also dont know how much more mentally i can take i really feel like i could breakdown to be honest , my life is great but my head is jam packed with crap and i dont know how much more it can take 😦 You have really made me smile hun as always i can count on you :’) Love you loads hun i really appreciate that :’) Xoxoxox

  2. Emily says:

    Hey Emma. I no that must be really hard seeing as she can’t really understand what’s happened or why. But the older she gets the more you can explain to her and I can’t see a reason why she wouldn’t want to be a part of your family more and more! Be fully honest with her, even children appreciate honesty. And I wish you the best!

  3. Jennie says:

    Hey chick, my heart is breaking for you. I think it’s important to mention that J went through an awful, awful trauma very recently and this would have affected her massively at your last contact. You would have had no control over her behaviour that day and maybe she just needed to sit in silence with someone she trusted. I think that to sit in silence with someone means more than sitting talking constantly – I think it was important for her that you were there if even to sit in silence. But I know it’s difficult for you. I think you need to consider how you will feel not seeing her for those 2 hours every year – would it make you happy? Is there any way you can increase the visits as J gets older? I’m not sure if this has been any use to you but I didn’t want to not reply xxx

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