I have had a crappy childhood and i am trying to enjoy my adulthood but some people just cant let that happen!! I am always told i take things to heart which may be true but to me its not a bad thing to be honest! I have had a really hard few months mentally to which i was on the verge of a full break down, The past week i have felt a lot better in myself and with great support from my husband! Then you get some assholes with no sensitivity who just do/say what they like regardless of others feelings and my husband says i shouldn’t let others annoy me but unfortunately i cant help it 😦 At the minute im extremely touchy and as i say i shouldn’t let others insensitivity get to me but i do and it just makes me angry!!
I hate negativity and at the minute i feel like that is all there is in this world- Negativity I just want to relax for a change and enjoy life and after what i have been through i do not think that’s much to ask for?! People need to realize there is so much more to life than drama and lies, Bitchiness and negativity!! When i walk down the street i always smile at everyone i see, for me you do not know what is going on with that person and receiving a smile from you might just make their day or make them see the world isn’t so bad!! One thing that really gets me is when my kids are out with me and say hiya to someone and they totally ignore them this happens all the time and i think it is so rude and disrespectful!! How can you ignore an innocent child who is trying to be friendly??!!!
In my 22 years of life unfortunately ive come to meet more assholes than good people but its those good people who keep me going and realize the world isn’t so bad People really need to show more respect to others whether they know them or not and i also think that much is said about young people disrespecting their elders and im sure loads do but my god thee amount of elderly people who i have went out of my way to help/be kind to have been so disrespectful to me (which i didn’t retaliate) I think elderly need to take some of their own advice and also show respect!!!
I am trying my hardest to relax, i now have no phone or facebook and i believe that will help a great deal 🙂 Facebook is great but also a sick, negative place full or creeps and bullies, silly people and liers and right now my head can not be dealing with all that 🙂 Onwards and upwards 😀 ……..Hopefully 😉 Exx
I haven’t been myself for a few weeks and i haven’t kept up with my blog and my life in general and i have finally figured out why 😦
As i talked about in my bio my eldest daughter was born when i was just 13 years old and due to me being sexually abused and neglected as i child social services thought it best she be adopted against my wishes! I see her physically twice a year and i get a letter from her adoptive parent twice a year. My contact with her was always good although the older i got it got harder and harder to see her and then leave her 😦 My last contact with her was the hardest yet 😦 Her adoptive dad died a few weeks before and even though i told them it was too early for her they went ahead with the contact which was at a play area and my middle daughter came too. We spent an hour in silence 😦 My eldest daughter was distraught and refused to talk. I felt my heart breaking 😥 I also had to try an explain to my other daughter why she wouldn’t talk to us 😦
Anyway i got my letter a few weeks ago and i still haven’t replied…. Im facing a decision of weather i should stop contact or not, this is the hardest decision ive ever faced 😦 I really dont know what to do 😦 I dont want her hating me or thinking i dont want her because trust me there is nothing i’d love more than to have her by my side, but mentally i don’t know how much more i can take 😦 I have been an absolute mess from my letter came my head is all over the place. The only person i can really talk to about it is my husband but he doesn’t want to say either way because he feels its not his place 😦 He says it has to be my decision but i just dont know 😦
Its absolutely killing me seeing her twice a year and having to leave her for another 6 months, it kills me seeing my girls grow up and not having her here for all her milestones etc, it kills me knowing she isn’t well at times and i can’t do flip all about it 😦 But the facts are i can’t get her back until she is 18 by which she might not even want me, And im even more worried about what the next contact will be like 😦 Any advice would be great on this please please please Exx
So ive touched on this subject a bit and would like to explain further! For anyone who doesn’t know, im from Northern Ireland and i was badly sexually abused throughout my childhood!
Well my experience of the justice system is that there is none 😦 I had to go to court as my abuser denied abusing me so i had to be questioned VERY rigorously and lets just say this on its own was a trauma i will never get over 😦 My abuser’s barrister ripped me to shreds he honestly made me almost question myself! It was the hardest thing i have ever been through but…. i simply told the truth and nothing but the truth as they say, i was questioned via video link so i wasn’t in the courtroom and after the case my foster mother told me at one point when i couldn’t take any more i walked out of the room and my sobs echoed the courtroom and there wasn’t a dry eye in the court room- that is real!!! real raw emotions the jury found him guilty but in the end he admitted what he had done to me so i went through the whole trauma of a trial for nothing 😦
In the end he got sentenced to a total of 27 years in prison- wow i thought happy days that’s one pedophile of the streets for a good while, apparently not.. His sentence was broken down into charges and he also got “good behavior” so in total he served 3 and a half years!!! 23 and half years less than he should have! I am absolutely disgusted by this where is the justice for victims??? Also how on earth does a pedophile who has raped repeatedly a child have good behavior??? That makes me feel sick… and also extremely let down by the so called justice system :@ Pity he didn’t have good behavior when he was raping me aged 6!!!
Sorry for the negativity today , today is an angry day as many people who have been through this or ptsd know your day is never planned by you, you wake up and your mind/body tells you how your day is going to be!! Thank you for reading and thank you so much for the support 🙂 Exx
People often find it hard to believe what has happened to me! They cant believe i seem “normal” they dont understand how someone who has been horrifically raped repeatedly from as young as 3 years old is walking round, looking good, having a laugh, happily married etc, But let me ask you this- Would people rather i was a walking mess? Yes i have been through a horrific experience but i refuse to let it beat me, i have bad bad days where i hate the world, dont want to wash or get out of bed but i have no choice i have a husband and 3 beautiful children who deserve the best from me! I am also not going to let my abuser destroy my life like he destroyed my childhood!
I really hate to see people throw away their life because of what has happened to them, life is short and life is to be enjoyed and i urge people reading this do not give up!! For myself personally i refuse to wallow in what has happened to me in the past and instead dream of my happy future. I did have my childhood stolen and i deserve to enjoy every minute of the rest of my life!! I refuse to feel sorry for myself because i didn’t cause it myself, my abuser did-he is the one who deserves to rot in hell not ME!!!
I also think when i talk to people about my abuse i talk about it as if it happened to someone else almost robotically as sometimes i do find it hard to believe it really was me! I also think by trying to block it out it causes you to almost detach from it?! I think too as i dont want people to feel sorry for me or treat me different i talk about it as if i dont care, but trust me i do…. Just because someone seems ok on the outside doesn’t always mean they are ok on the inside 😦
I really am thankful for everyone reading my blog, it has shocked me to be honest and i really hope one day i can maybe help even one person to realise suicide isn’t the answer! Like i say life is to short as it is and sometimes we need to just suck it up and get on with it!!
Thanks for reading :’) E xx
Haven’t been on in a few days due to illness, But wanted some perspective on this as ive never been able to understand it!
My abuser was abused himself as a child by his own dad and always claimed that as his EXCUSE for abusing me?! Maybe im delusional but from my point of view, No.1 there is NO excuse for abusing an innocent child and No.2 as someone who has suffered horrific sexual abuse at the hands of a monster how on earth do you make another child suffer what you have suffered? In my eyes i want to protect every child possible, hence why i got him sent to jail, never mind the thought of another innocent child going through the same! I really dont understand it and it makes me sick that someone who has apparently been through it can then do it to another child and make excuses for it :o!!
I also want to highlight the injustice in Northern Ireland, My abuser was sentenced to a total of 27 years in jail for various counts of rape on a child, yet he was let out a free man after serving 3 and a half years !! I find that disgusting and also a complete let down for myself after going through the process of having him jailed and thinking justice would be served! I also think it sends a bad message to those yet to come forward- whats the point if they serve so little time? And it sends a bad message to pedophiles as they think they are clearly going to get away with it and if caught sure what is a little time in jail?!
I would really appreciate peoples views on this to clarify if im going insane or if im correct in thinking all this is wrong!!! Thank you for reading
Well my first 24hours as a “blogger” have been unbelievable so far! The support i have received has truly overwhelmed me :’) From well established bloggers to close friends and also others who either don’t know me personally or who don’t know me well! I truly am shocked but very pleased and very pleased that in my first 24hrs i have received so far 149 views, and i dont know if as a blogger that is good but for me i find it amazing :’)
I think in life we all need support at some time or another, some are happy to ask some refuse to ask! I personally as a child had no support whatsoever, i was sexually abused, neglected by my mother and bullied on and off throughout school i really did feel so lonely 😦 My abuser once left me naked in a bed with no sheets, duvets etc in a freezing cold room, i was left to sleep like that all night! As a young child it was the most frightening, lonely experience of my life 😦 I really did have No one to help me or to turn to!
Now as an adult i have my amazing husband and In-laws for support and i couldn’t ask for anything else! I feel so lucky to have them as for so long i had no one! I feel now when im down or get flashbacks i can trust in them to support me and there is no better feeling in the world!
I think where im going with this post is 1st to say thank you to everyone who has supported me on my journey and to anyone out there if you need support please please ask! If you have no one at home to ask please join a blog and there will be plenty of people in your situation who will wholeheartedly support you as best they can and that includes me! The relief you feel when you offload your stress,tension and emotions (which for some is built over years) can feel amazing :’) I know people say it all the time but keeping things in really does make things worse and talking is a great therapy 🙂
Thanks for reading.. E xx